


pride, and the hurt the followed it

by sunlian



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: (though its only from Merrill's perspective), F/F, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, a rewrite of the post Night Terrors scene with Merrill bc i wanted it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 03:30:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13627671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlian/pseuds/sunlian
Summary: While trying to save Feynriel from his own nightmares, Merrill falls victim to the persuasive words of a pride demon, and turns on Hawke in the Fade.When she wakes up and realises what she's done, she hides away, certain that Hawke will want nothing to do with her.But Hawke is nothing if not surprising------A re-imagining of the "Merrill, An Apology" scene





	pride, and the hurt the followed it

**Author's Note:**

> this has been in my drafts since LAST YEAR GOD. im so glad its finally done
> 
> also hey yeah, its me, im back and writing again (hopefully)

Ever since the trip into the Fade, ever since the demon tempted her and twisted its way into her mind, Merrill has been avoiding Hawke.

When she woke, the encounter was fuzzy, like a dream she couldn’t quite remember. She looked around Arianni’s little hovel, and spotted the unconscious forms of Isabela, Varric and Yasuko, still trying to save Feynriel from his nightmare and she-

She betrayed them. The pride demon had gotten to her with false promises of heroism and power. The memory came back suddenly, in horrifying clarity; her turning on her friends, on Hawke, flinging spell after blood-empowered spell at her, swinging her staff against Hawke’s greatsword, as Hawke endlessly blocked and pleaded with her. Then Merrill slipped up, and the flat of the massive blade came swinging up, and knocked her out cleanly. 

Which explains the headache, she supposes. Creators, she’s glad the Keeper isn’t here in the room.

The brief relief of Marathari’s absence is quickly replaced by a sinking feeling of guilt. She’d attacked Hawke. Turned on her for the hollow promises of a demon. Merrill lets her head fall forward, holding her face in her hands. She should know better! This is the exact thing she’s on guard for! She can still hear the voice of Wyrme, his promises; scion of the Dalish, saviour of elvenkind. Too good to ever be true. Her own clan couldn’t, or refused to understand what she was doing, what she was trying to accomplish, branding her a danger, a blood mage, an abomination waiting to happen. Why would any other elf think anything different.

Why would Yasuko? 

Another wave of guilt, this time tinged with a panic that stuck in the back of her throat; maybe she’ll understand, she didn’t try to object when Wyrme was making his offer, only when- when she started attacking them. Despair wracks her small body, so encompassing and heavy that she barely hears Isabela’s waking gasp and the mumbled “shit...” that followed. The rogue stands up, brushing herself off. 

“Right. The Fade. Not doing that again.”

“I don’t think it’s that simple.” Merrill says, mostly to herself.

\------

Yasuko saved Feynriel, of course she did. Yasuko is clever and cunning and doesn’t fall for a demon’s trick, and she certainly doesn’t turn on someone she lo- people she cares about because it told her to. 

When she woke up, Merrill made a very obvious (at least, she’s certain it was obvious) effort to avoid talking to her. Or looking at her. Or, in fact, being within 3 feet of her, and while she was talking to Arianni and Marethari, Merrill abandoned pretense and slipped away all together. 

That was about 4 days ago now, she thinks. She hasn’t really left her house since. Working on her mirror, thinking about the Fade, watching 3 years worth of friendship and... and just friendship flash before her eyes, tarnished by the memory of her shooting off a bolt of magic as Hawke dashes to side, slicing open another cut for more blood, more power, the lightning crackling as it arcs towards-

Harsh knocking at her door startles Merrill, as she jumps in her chair, nearly tipping over. 

“I-it’s open!” She calls out, gathering herself. It’s probably Isabela, or Varric. Maybe Sebastian, but that’s a big maybe, but then again he does seem really quite nice-

The knocking comes again. Alright, probably not him then. 

Merrill nearly trips over her own feet as she stumbles out of her chair and hurries over to the door, calling out apologies and fumbling with the door handle, stepping back and preparing another apology for-

Hawke. Hawke is the person visiting her.

She seems… okay. Maybe a little tired; there’s a slight slump to her shoulders, and her dark green eyes are dulled slightly, the usual glint of mischief lessened by something she can’t exactly place.

The sting of betrayal, most likely. Merrill’s stomach twists at the thought, the guilt she has spend the past days ignoring rising back up into her throat.

“Is this a bad time?” Hawke asks, pulling Merrill away from her ever-deepening spiral of self-depreciation.

“No! No, it’s- I’m sorry, please, come in.”

\------

There’s a nervous energy about Yasuko that doesn’t fit her at all. She’s never nervous, ever. It fills the space between them, Merrill sitting on her bed and Hawke standing in front and above her, in painful stifling silence that feels like it’s already lasted an age. 

Realistically, it only lasted a handful of seconds before Merrill’s nervousness gets the better of her. 

“I… I can’t believe I turned on you, with the demon in the Fade… I’m so sorry. Ma serannas,” she says, the words tumbling out almost too quickly for her to keep up with them, the guilt rising like a foul bile in the back of her throat yet again and settling in a bleak despair, “I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me.”

Hawke tilts her head slightly, the dull look in her eyes shifting into something entirely more familiar. 

“If I held a grudge against everyone that attacked me in a dream, I’d have no friends,” she quips, a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips, and suddenly, Merrill feels so much better, like a weight has been lifted from… well, everywhere. Hawke’s okay and not angry, not betrayed. It feels like nothing short of a small miracle and Merrill beams at her. 

“How do you do that? Make everything better with a smile? It’s like magic that doesn’t get you trouble.”

“It’s a talent,” Yasuko replies, sitting down next to her, close enough that if she wanted to, Merrill could nestle into her side. Actually, more like if she was brave enough, because she certainly wants to, “but it’s rarely as useful as you might think.”

“I’ve been so careful in my dealings with spirits until now,” Merrill begins, mostly to herself, “To make such an obvious mistake… it frightens me.” 

The quiet returns, and Merrill can feel Hawke’s eyes on her, and without looking, she finds herself easily able to picture the concern on her face. When she turns to look at her, the concern she so clearly felt is plain to see, but something else, something else is there as well. Fear maybe? Fear of her? Or, fear for her? 

“It takes so little for a mage to fall.”

Hawke takes a deep breath, exhaling heavily, “I was more worried about the ‘isolating yourself’ thing than the mage thing, to be completely honest,” she turns away from her then, brow knitting together, “which sounds… a lot more selfish when I say it aloud, actually.” 

“I don’t think being worried about other people can actually be selfish, Hawke,” Merrill tries to say with a little smile, smiling a little wider when an answering smirk flickers across her face. 

“Oh, I don’t know about that. You never know what ulterior motives a person might have.”

Hawke stands up, looking far less… well, she looks markedly happier than when she was standing at her door, and Merrill feels so much better, the horrible guilt lifted from her insides, and she stands up with her. 

“I’ll be more guarded from now on, I promise.” 

“I suppose that’s all I can ask for, isn’t it?” 

“And, next time, when I get… upset, or something like that… I won’t hide from you.” 

Yasuko fixes her with potentially the softest smile she’s ever seen her make, a smile that makes her heart speed up and flutter, giddy with the knowledge that she made her do that, that it’s a smile for her. 

“Thank you being there, and for being here Hawke. It- well, I can only thank the Creators you were.”

“Any time you need me, Merrill. Anytime.”


End file.
